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Kayla

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April 25th, 2007 5:53 pm
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I gave my two weeks. I don't work at Wal Mart any more.... 

I'm lost!

Last night I went bowling with a few people from work, and then spent way too long at Denny's. Tomorrow is my last night sleeping in this room. Ever. This tiny, cramped, HOT, dusty room with stink bugs on the screen and dirt permanently mashed into the carpet.. my home for 8 months.. is going to be someone else's fresh start come September. 
Actually, I kind of like that.

My hair looks so good right now, I'm sorry for all of you that I don't have my camera with me. Hah.
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April 20th, 2007 12:23 am
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I think I get let down a lot.
I go out with my single friends, and they put life in perspective for me. They talk about their random hookups and the problems they have with boys and I think, man am I ever lucky. I think about when I'm going to get home to Sam, who I love, and how wonderful it's going to be. I think of how much it must suck to not know who you're going to be with next or whether you'll fall in love.. I think of how happy I am to be with someone I can count on and someone who will be there.
But then I come home from being out with my single friends, and after having to yell at Sam for leaving a mess all over my desk, he (finally) cleans it up.. then he goes to bed.  We argue over the covers for a little bit because he's totally wrapped up in them, and 4 minutes later he's out like a light and I'm sitting here, completely unsatisfied.. and I think, I can always count on my friends and they won't let me down.
And I wonder if Sam will ever get the message. I ask him to hug me and he says no and goes to sleep, and he doesn't even wonder if I'm happy or not. He just assumes. Usually I assume I am too, but there are these times when I think...
Man, are they ever lucky.
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April 17th, 2007 1:11 am
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Work...
It's what I've been doing (hard) for the last three days.

Work...
Also turns out to be where I will not need to be for the next 11 days. 
Exams.

Wal Mart...
Is where I'll be handing in my 2 weeks, sometime in the next week or so. That's right, I,
Kayla Michelle MacPhee,
will no longer be an employee of Wal Mart as of the end of this month. I will be demanding at the end of this month that they return to me my soul and my freedom... mostly in tact. It has been a very long time since I've been able to say that.

Neil Blaise MacPhee...
Is going to be my employer for May/June. That's right, I,
Kayla Michelle MacPhee,
will be working for my dad. I will wear a hairnet. I will wear safety shoes. I will wear safety goggles. I will work on the production line for 2 months. I will make a ridiculous amount of money.

And then I will be taking my bruised and battered, Wal Mart-abused soul and loaning it to a call center, where I will make another obscene amount of money for the rest of my time in Kelowna.

The End.
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April 11th, 2007 7:47 pm
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I've had myself caged in my room since 4:00 yesterday afternoon, and it is now 7:47. I think I'm getting cabin fever.. I just go from Facebook to bed, Facebook to bed. I am disgusting. Tomorrow is my last day of classes, and I go home in the 27th, and it will be like I never left. 
My life is very happy. I'm poor, and in debt, but I don't care. I'm still in love.. all I need is my friends here with me. My life is happy, but I would be so happy if I could be back East for a while. A week or so would not satisfy me, though-- I would need about a month of remembering why  I am as crazy as I am. I wish Sam wanted to come with me as badly as I want him to. I would be out there in a flash, walking Coverdale road like I never left, like I still own those streets. 
I haven't been writing as much as I'd like to these past few months, especially on LJ. I'm not sure why. I will try harder to motivate myself to come on here and bore you guys to tears with my life more often. For now, be satisfied with this. 
My fridge just made the weirdest noise.
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February 28th, 2007 7:58 pm
My Celebrity Look-alikes [
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My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

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February 27th, 2007 12:03 am
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I think I was just given an ultimatum: East coast or Sam. This moring it came up in just regular conversation that I want to move back East and go to Dal for my last two years, and the rest of the day Sam was very quiet and kind of irritable. Tonight, just now laying in bed I asked him what would happen if I did move back and he said that we'd have two options: long-distance relationship or break up. They both suck. He said he couldn't come with me, he's not ready to live that far away from his family. So either way, I'm looking at making a decision that's going to seriously impact the outcome of my life and what I'm expecting. I've already changed my plans by staying in BC an extra 2 years I wasn't planning to, and he was a big factor in that decision. Now I'm being forced to choose between my roots and the direction I want my life to move in, and the person I want to move that way with. It may be more than a year away, but now a plan that excited me and made me think hopefully about the future is scaring me to death! We've been dating about a year now, and it will be 2 and a half when the time comes for me to leave.. I'm not willing to throw that all away, but I'm also not willing to just change my plans, because I don't want to be the only one who makes a sacrifice. I don't want to be a doormat, and I want to remember who I was before Sam, but I also don't want to lose the one who could potentially be the love of my life! Help!

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February 22nd, 2007 10:41 pm
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I'm trying to write a scholarship application essay: In my opinion, what high school course that is not currently mandatory should become mandatory and why? 
My mom is sitting in the next room... coughing... coughing... coughing. She thinks she has pneumonia. I'm pretty sure it's bronchitis. Either way, I can't think to save my life. I'm staring at a blank screen that could potentially get me $10,000 if I absolutely blow them away with 500 words on why I think Acting should become a mandatory course.

Aaaah...
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February 21st, 2007 11:45 pm
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I want to go on an adventure. Right now, at 11:49pm on a Wednesday. I want to take off my sister's pyjamas, leave my parents' basement and go find myself in the night. I want to spend the night on the beach. I want to spend an entire day at an outdoor table of a cafe with a pen, paper and a bottomless cup of coffee. I want to be pennyless with no commitments. I want to step out of my wonderful and structured life, just for now. For a month, maybe two. I want to see all the things I've read about in books, and spend the night with someone I will never see again. I want to travel by boat, by plane, by train and by foot. I want to sell all my things and start over where no one can find me unless I let them. I want to go where they speak French. I want to immerse myself in someone else's culture. I want to be hungry, and I want to be happy. I want to be alone so I can fall in love with myself. And then... maybe I'll come back.

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February 8th, 2007 12:17 pm
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I missed the day of action!! I signed the petitions, and I had buttons everywhere, and I carried my water bottle proudly.. but when it came down to it, did I go? No. Why? Because I slept through it! It was at 11am, and I woke up at 1145 and realized that.. Shit! There was no way I was going to get dressed (I desperately needed a shower) and get down to campus by the time it was still going on. Oh well, I signed the petition, and displayed by buttons and water bottle. Everyone else did a good job. Ooooh baby did I ever want one of those free tshirts though. Maybe next year.
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January 15th, 2007 11:34 pm
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I shouldn't be writing, or watching a movie, or eating a Caramilk bar. I should be sleeping, because I have an 8:00 class tomorrow morning. A class I have not done the readings (or even bought the textbook) for yet. But I'm restless with everything. I'm restless with my life right now, but I don't know what it needs. I feel boring and stale-- not necessarily in the way I'm living or what I do on a daily basis, but in the way I think. Something about the way I've changed since Sam & I have started dating is unsettling.

In taking on the role of the girlfriend-- especially since we moved to Kelowna-- I feel like I've given up being opinionated, or being interested in growing as a person. Sam & Jesse think I'm stupid, because I never try to argue with them and I believe their lies. They laugh when I defend myself, because I (clearly) am not even close to them physically, and all of a sudden I've woken up to realize that we're all okay with me being the stupid girl they can always guilt into cleaning or making dinner. I've become that girl who's always trying to make her boys happy, and who tries not to notice when they never do anything for her. My style has changed, I'm more passive, I start to feel guilty if I don't clean the living room or pick up something for dinner with my last $10. It looks like in the last 10 months I've become his
bird.
I'm demeaning myself!

How could I be happy with myself? I can't knowingly let myself get lost in this person I do not want to be. I feel stupid, like I have no more substance now that I'm a GIRLFRIEND.

But now I think maybe Sam likes me this way. I'm smaller than him, shouldn't he be smarter than me too? He did say he loved me, and I chose to believe him. What if I go back to my Led Zeppelin and my hemp and tell him if he wants to sleep with me, he'll have to come to my place? I'm so in love with Sam, and I don't want to change our relationship, but I want us both to like me! 

I don't think I'll mention it to him, I will just focus more on myself for a while and possibly focus less on making Sam & Jesse happy. I'm going to make more hemp stuff. I'm going to wear it. I'm going to do more writing and go for more walks. I'm going to go to Value Village and remember that I am not at all glamorous. I'm going to STOP EATING MEAT again. I'm going to knit more, and get my guitar tuned again. I'm going to read my poetry again, and maybr work on writing my own. I'm going to find time for yoga. I'm going to like myself. I'm not going to be anybody's bird.
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January 9th, 2007 1:14 pm
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January 7th, 2007 10:44 pm
Good night, you moonlight lady... [
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The wind sure knows how to set the mood. My windows are rattling, and my room is freezing. I'm huddled up in a blanket in a dark room in front of my computer screen, like I've got something to hide. Really I'm just sad. The emptiness became much more pronounced when Sam left and I realized I missed him. I probably won't sleep tonight, because I'll miss feeling him warm beside me like I have for the last few nights. I guess I could just toss another blanket on my bed and lock in my own warmth, but it's not the same. As strange as it sounds, I now feel more at home at Sam and Jesse's than I do at my parents' house, where I sleep on a futon in Jessica's room. We divide up the chores and we watch TV while we eat dinner. 

I think my building might blow over.

The truth of the matter is... Sam and Jesse make me feel needed, and that was a very good feeling. Being there with them made me want to start my own family sooner than I thought I would want to. I'm not scared though, I'll make the right decision when it's time. 

Christmas was nice. I feel rejuvinated in the New Year. I am now rocking my brand new Dell, and I've got these cool new earrings. Yep, I feel good. I fought with my mom, but I'm going home to fix it tomorrow. My mom and I fighting just paves the way for more freedom and acceptance between us, because we're both forced to compromise, so now that we've agreed to reconcile, I think this fight was good for us. She called me Saturday morning and told me she loved me, and I cried big, happy tears all over Sam's shoulder. 

Next Monday I turn 19. Well, not actually, but Tori does, and I inherit her ID. I will post bar pictures. 
Good night everyone. :)


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December 15th, 2006 12:18 am
My brain is mid-exam frieddddd... [
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November 29th, 2006 10:37 am
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How does one determine whether they are in the relationship because of the other person, or they're just trying desperately to feel something for that other person because they're afraid not to be in a relationship? Is it healthy to wonder this?
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November 22nd, 2006 9:05 pm
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How can I worry about crunch time so much when I know that in two days it will be over? I can't. Here's what I can worry about: money. Here's what I no longer need to worry about: my boyfriend cuddles me when he sleeps again. Here's what I can start thinking about: travel plans. Here's what I can start wondering about: the rest of my life, if Creative Writing has become my least liked class, and I got a C+ on my in-class English essay.

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November 14th, 2006 5:27 pm
Apparently updating is something I just don't do any more [
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Maybe it's because I've got nothing to say. Maybe it's because I just don't want you guys to hear what I've got to say. Maybe it's because I just don't want to hear what I've got to say. I think it's the third one.. there are lots of things about myself that I know I'm not wiling to admit to anyone right now. Including me. There are parts of me that I'm ashamed to face, and even more ashamed to tell other people. I was too ashamed to tell my family that I was going out with Jesse last night... I waited until they went to sleep and then snuck out to meet him. We went for a walk. Why do I feel like I'm cheating to hang out with him? Maybe because it gets me thinking about how he treats me so much better than my actual boyfriend. Maybe because we drove home together today and talked the whole way, and since we've been back, Sam has literally said two words to me, and they were "Hi" and "Okay." This is getting uncomfortable for me. 

But, for the first time in a long time, I'm getting a feel for myself. At least I know what I have to be ashamed of. I can tell when my body needs protein. I can tell when I need sleep, and when I just need a hug or someone to say something nice. I can read myself now better than I've ever been able to, and it's a great feeling. I know what clothes I feel like wearing, now what I want to look like. I'm very in touch with my core.

I spent Monday/Tuesday in Vernon with my parents. It was so nice. I arrived Sunday night at about 10:30 and just spent the evening hanging out with the fam. Monday I went for lunch with Danielle and then shopping with my sisters. Monday night Jessica and I went to see The Santa Claus 3, and we were the only ones in the theater. That is so much fun. Then later Monday night Jesse picked me up and we went for a walk. We thought it was funny that we're both moved out and we snuck out of our parents' houses. Tuesday morning I got up and got my haircut, hung out with my mom some more, watched The Santa Claus 2 and came back. I feel very relaxed. Relaxed enough to start my 4 essays, perhaps.

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October 8th, 2006 12:07 am
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Thanksgiving already eh? My last class ended at 5pm on Friday, so the campus was completely dead while I was walking up to my room. It was beautiful-- I felt very college. Walking across this gorgeous campus in the fall, wearing mocassins, old ripped jeans and this beautiful vest Sam bought me for my birthday, not to mention lugging about a thousand books. I didn't even know what reading was until I got here! 

My campus is exactly what you would picture a university campus to look like. It's very, very, very small: the main campus consists of five large brick buildings (The Arts building, the Science building, the Student Services Center, the gym, the library) and one grey modern-looking Fine Arts building. In the very center of all the brick buildings is a huge fountain,  with stairs all over the place, leading down to the front of the SSC where the bus comes, and up to the upper campus, where our residence buildings are. I swear, I walk 100 stairs every time I go to class. No exaggeration. But I don't mind. The grass is so green, and there are picnic tables and chess tables around the grass by the fountain, where people are always sitting and doing their homework. It's still very warm out, so there are always people sitting around the fountain. Right now the student union is heading a no-smoking campaign, so there are facts about smoking in BC written in sidewalk chalk all over the stairs/fountain. They may not be there any more, because it did rain last night. I love my campus, and I love where I live.

I'm not impressed right now, though, because unfortunately Sam's roommate is courting CCC-- Crazy Carrie Carberry, the most emotionally unstable person I've ever met. She'll kill ya, I swear. And she came to Sam & Jesse's last night, walking around like she owns the place. I'm bitter, and jealous, because Sam & Jesse are my boys, and she's trying to take my place. There's only room for one girl in that tiny apartment, and the first time I get up in the morning and she's there I'm going to snap. I spend about 2 or 3 nights a week there now, and it's awesome. Carrie will not ruin that for me, I promise you all that. 

That is all, then. Happy Thanksgiving! 

PS Now that I'm 18, I get my own Blockbuster membership. Sweet.
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September 19th, 2006 1:13 pm
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It's been a while. It's been a while since I've had my own computer, or my own kitchen, or my own happy being home time. I'm okay with it, I suppose. I haven't wanted to update lately, because updating would mean needing to describe the last three weeks of my life.. not an easy task. Rez life is fun. I've met a thousand people, but there is now a core group of us on my floor, which I'm stoked about. Having Sam's apartment so close is a lifesaver, because it is impossible to get anything done on the weekends, so I spend my nights there. It's nice. My classes haven't really started, all this introductory blah, blah, blah is frustrating me. I want to get into it. I have no money, but I don't mind. I've been home twice, but it was awkward both times because my mother is no longer speaking to me. I won't get into that. 

I'm extremely happy here. It seems like this is the way things should be, it seems like I've been here far longer than 2 and a half weeks. I'm already making living arrangements for next year. I have a feeling four years is going to fly by.
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August 24th, 2006 11:22 pm
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Is it possible for guys & girls to be JUST FRIENDS, never looking for more. Sam said it wasn't possible, but then I said "so you think that if we hadn't started dating we wouldn't have stayed friends?" and then he said that he was ending the conversation there before he got in trouble, so I didn't get his full opinion. But of course it's possible, right? I mean, basically all my friends are guys now. Sam says that they're my friends, but I'm not their friend. Because I'm a girl, and unless a guy is gay he can't be friends with a girl. Because it's in guys' nature to want to procreate, so they're looking for a partner. So if they're already attached, they don't need any more girlfriends, so they stop being your friend, whether you know it or not. True?

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August 23rd, 2006 11:57 am
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Congratulate me, I am officially the 

dumbest.
person.
ever.


I went to a small gathering last night at Brandon & Justin's, and decided to have a good time & have a few drinks. That was not the dumb part though, probably the smartest part of my night was when I was hanging out drinking with the guys. But then, I got home.

First of all, I got home at 2am and didn't have my key, and all the doors were locked. Even the door between the garage and the house. What is that? So I had to stand on my front stoop and call my dad to let me in. At 2am. He was not impressed. This was our phone conversation:
*ring*ring*
Him: It's 2am.
Me: Hi. I'm locked out.
Him: 2am.
Me: Front door.
*click*

So then I got inside, and the first thing I thought of was Sam. Things have been a little rocky with us the last little while, and I've been feeling a little resentful. Obviously, when you're drinking, the best thing to do is to try to tell your boyfriend very important relationship-affecting issues through text messages. So that's what I did. I grabbed my phone and sent him the following messages....

Message #1:
I don't think its fair that I should have to initiate every time, then its like were only doing it b/c u feel like u have to. We need to get each other!
Message #2 (you're only allowed 150 chars per messages):
Maybe we're not on the same page. I want you to initiate so I feel like you want me too, bc sometimes this feels onesided to me, like I care way more.
Message #3:
I mean I think I care way more about us, bc sometimes I think youre just along for the ride & wouldnt care if we broke up bc we never try we just are

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, so go me.  The background is that we had a chat the other day and he said that from now on I should be the only one initiate anything physical, because that way he'll be sure I want to. Now, does that seem fair? No. But does me sending him those messages in the middle of the night, giving him no chance to defend himself seem fair?
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOPE! 
So congratulate me, I am an idiot.



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